[ At their core, they've come to enjoy having free time for what it means in the human world, too. They'd never been too fond of it in the world of gems; having free time in that desolate and open world had always been mundane and boring, especially before they were broken apart from Ghost. It always had given them too much time to think. It was like that in Chroma, too - anytime their hands were idle, their mind would wander too far down the path of what they'd have to when they left, and so on.
But here, in the life they've made for themself in Steel London, there's never a shortage of things for them to do. Wearing new clothes, eating new foods, studying new materials like chemistry and the arts, doing whatever they can to help Lupin on heists... it's been good. The pages of their day to day life are full and teeming, rather than empty, bare, and an utter struggle to fill as they had for so many years before.
That had always been the point, too, of coming here. They wanted to get away from everything that had held them down in the world of gems. Selfishly, perhaps foolishly, they abandoned everything familiar to them to come here, to a world where they'd spend the remainder of their shortened lifespan trying to keep up. But it was all worth it, because they were able to cast away everything that kept them apart from Lupin. That inescapable duty. That cold, heavy body. Like this, they're able to be close to him, experience so much more with him than they would have ever been able to otherwise - and wholly, honestly, its better that way, in their mind.
They only had so much exposure to the way things were between humans in love when they were in Chroma; there were the few other pairs of people in love there, too, and there were storybooks. But when they came to Steel London, they saw it more. Couples down by the river, sneaking more than chaste kisses and laughing when they thought no one was looking. Star-crossed lovers on the stage at the opera house, passionate and almost sensual. Slowly, but surely, they found themself wanting to see themself in that way, becoming greedier, wanting to be affectionate with Lupin the way other humans were with other humans. They're the same now, aren't they? Them being a gem was the only thing that had kept them apart all this time, so with that cast away, there shouldn't be any problems. Whenever they get close, there's a certain pleasurable thrill to it, one they'd like to chase, now that they have the opportunity to and that they've built up the courage to.
But the same thing always happens whenever they feel like they're getting closer to him, closer to having an intimacy with him that they're not even sure they can name. He always draws back from them, somehow or some way, and they can't help but wonder if it's because they'll never match up to what a human should be like. Maybe he doesn't see them the same way he would another human, and that's why they're... different. Or, perhaps, they misunderstand some part of the equation. It's a foreign sort of longing that they feel, afterall, wanting to kiss him and be kissed, wanting to be as close as they can be. What they have had and what they have now never feels like it's enough to quell this wanting.
So, when he breaks away, they sit back on their perch on him, pursing their lips in a hint of displeasure. They keep their eyes down from his. ]
...I am, but I know that's not why you did that just now.
[ They sigh, refreshingly blunt as they always are. He's never so obvious that he flat out tells them to get away - he's way too conscious of their feelings to do something so rash - but they always end up easing down like this. Cairngorm had always accepted it before, out of either 1) actually needing to slow down, or 2) not being fully convinced that he was doing it on purpose. They've taken time to understand themself and their own feelings, between now and all the times before. And now that they have, they'd rather just confront him. ]
Am I bad at this? You can just say it.
[ The delivery is dry, characteristic of their typical brand of humor, but it doesn't really seem like they're fully joking. ]
no subject
But here, in the life they've made for themself in Steel London, there's never a shortage of things for them to do. Wearing new clothes, eating new foods, studying new materials like chemistry and the arts, doing whatever they can to help Lupin on heists... it's been good. The pages of their day to day life are full and teeming, rather than empty, bare, and an utter struggle to fill as they had for so many years before.
That had always been the point, too, of coming here. They wanted to get away from everything that had held them down in the world of gems. Selfishly, perhaps foolishly, they abandoned everything familiar to them to come here, to a world where they'd spend the remainder of their shortened lifespan trying to keep up. But it was all worth it, because they were able to cast away everything that kept them apart from Lupin. That inescapable duty. That cold, heavy body. Like this, they're able to be close to him, experience so much more with him than they would have ever been able to otherwise - and wholly, honestly, its better that way, in their mind.
They only had so much exposure to the way things were between humans in love when they were in Chroma; there were the few other pairs of people in love there, too, and there were storybooks. But when they came to Steel London, they saw it more. Couples down by the river, sneaking more than chaste kisses and laughing when they thought no one was looking. Star-crossed lovers on the stage at the opera house, passionate and almost sensual. Slowly, but surely, they found themself wanting to see themself in that way, becoming greedier, wanting to be affectionate with Lupin the way other humans were with other humans. They're the same now, aren't they? Them being a gem was the only thing that had kept them apart all this time, so with that cast away, there shouldn't be any problems. Whenever they get close, there's a certain pleasurable thrill to it, one they'd like to chase, now that they have the opportunity to and that they've built up the courage to.
But the same thing always happens whenever they feel like they're getting closer to him, closer to having an intimacy with him that they're not even sure they can name. He always draws back from them, somehow or some way, and they can't help but wonder if it's because they'll never match up to what a human should be like. Maybe he doesn't see them the same way he would another human, and that's why they're... different. Or, perhaps, they misunderstand some part of the equation. It's a foreign sort of longing that they feel, afterall, wanting to kiss him and be kissed, wanting to be as close as they can be. What they have had and what they have now never feels like it's enough to quell this wanting.
So, when he breaks away, they sit back on their perch on him, pursing their lips in a hint of displeasure. They keep their eyes down from his. ]
...I am, but I know that's not why you did that just now.
[ They sigh, refreshingly blunt as they always are. He's never so obvious that he flat out tells them to get away - he's way too conscious of their feelings to do something so rash - but they always end up easing down like this. Cairngorm had always accepted it before, out of either 1) actually needing to slow down, or 2) not being fully convinced that he was doing it on purpose. They've taken time to understand themself and their own feelings, between now and all the times before. And now that they have, they'd rather just confront him. ]
Am I bad at this? You can just say it.
[ The delivery is dry, characteristic of their typical brand of humor, but it doesn't really seem like they're fully joking. ]