tunasub | OPEN POST 2023

say fellas did somebody mention the door to darkness

E

[Something is different now between them. Not a bad different, but different all the same. Maybe it's because of how things ended between them the first time. Maybe it's because of how things ended with Xehanort. Or how it happened with Xehanort. Or maybe it has to do with how they have to pick up the pieces of a half-life lived while still trying to make sense of a world around them anew. Trying to sort through feelings that once they shouldn't have had and yet did, feelings that were so strong it felt like they were overwhelming both of them, and why wouldn't it be both of them? Sora might be the connection, but they were the mirrors. Or maybe that was just Roxas. Maybe she, while having her own body, still wasn't quite right.

Roxas had been Sora's Nobody. Naminé had been Kairi's. Axel had been Lea's.

But Xion? She hadn't been anyone. She'd been a wayward doll that had somehow come into a life of its own, and siphoned memories and warped them until 'it' had become 'her' and sometimes 'him'.

Less of a mirror, and more of a distorted, half obscured thing that only sometimes reflected truthfully.

But then, that had been then, and this was now. The heart of a doll, inhabiting that of a vessel that made her "her" true. And yet, every now and again, she can't help but gaze at her hands thoughtfully, rub her fingers together. If she had also once been an empty vessel, could it not be said that the one she inhabited now could have taken on a life of its own? What if by simply being she's taking away from what could be?

The thought gnaws at her for days. She smiles at the clocktower. She smiles at Lea and Roxas and makes silly faces with them and laughs at their jokes and even cracks a few of her own.

It takes weeks for the gnawing to expose nerve and bone enough for her to stop Roxas outside of their home. it's just them, this time. No one else around, and her hand connects with his shoulder, quivering slightly as she grips it. Xion's voice is more meek than she means it to be, because she's supposed to be grateful for this second chance at being, this second chance at friendship and life.]

Do you think its right? That we can just go on existing like this?

["Aren't we taking away from someone?" and "Isn't it wrong for us to want this?" are the things she doesn't say.]

[ it's not surprising that everything didn't fit into place perfectly right away - it would have been shocking if they did, considering that Axel was the only one of them who knew anything about how to be human. Roxas -- well, he sort of did, through the lens of fake memories that had been put in him, and the real memories that didn't belong to him at all, that he'd experienced vaguely alongside Sora as an incorporeal passenger in his heart. Neither were particularly helpful when it came to "normalcy." And there was a great big pile of apologies and questions and things to sort through, some of which had been tackled and some of which he had yet to even glance at. It was too soon, or too delicate, or simply too painful to even try.

Still, it's happiness. This is happiness. He had this feeling before - they'd told him he felt nothing, but he remembers - and now he has it again, and the shadow cast by all the troubles of the past is tepid compared to the looming existential doubt he'd had to survive under before. He knows things now. He knows who Lea is, and Xion, and what a heart is. He knows who Sora is. Most importantly, he knows who Sora isn't: himself. Roxas isn't prone to soul-searching unprovoked. His life is his own, and he can see Axel and Xion every day, and eat ice cream, and ride his skateboard, and there's no reason to believe that will ever change. His happiness is simple - ironically enough, just like Sora's.

Xion isn't like him, though. Xion's always thinking a lot. After all their time together, he's become quite good at telling when she's thinking too much and something's on her mind; the months spent without his memories of her had done nothing to dull them when they came rushing back. Knowing something's bothering her, however, is entirely different from knowing how to ask her about it. (Some things about him haven't changed at all.) ]

Xion?

[ so it's not a surprise when she finally snaps and says something, and that's when Roxas starts to get worried - because when Xion gets upset, gets upset like this, she runs away, and he's scared if that happens again that it'll be forever, because it almost was forever before. He stops in his tracks, too, looking back at her with a furrowed brow and gentle concern. ]

What do you mean...? [ there's a pause. He considers the elephant in the room. ] ... Are you talking about him?

[ Sora. He might be here if they hadn't left. Taking away so many parts of his heart like that probably left him too weak to survive. He's thought about it. He's sure Xion has, too. The notion that being a replica at all might be wrong somehow, though - that hasn't crossed his mind. How could it? His best friend is one - has always been one. And, technically speaking, he's one now, too. ]

No, not about him. [She shakes her head, and withdraws her hand from his shoulder and she looks away. Sora is only one piece of the concern she harbours, even if it's a mighty chunk. She's resolved herself to not think too hard about him, at least until some sort of breakthrough is made.]

I mean... [Xion pauses, looks at Roxas, then down at her feet.] These bodies we have. They're not- ["Ours"? No, that sounds wrong too, but how does she even start to explain such a thing? Roxas clearly hasn't been thinking about this as hard as she has. Or maybe he has, but hasn't thought about it too deeply.]

I'm a replica, Roxas. I was made from a body like this, and then I became my own person. What if... Just by existing like this, what if we're taking away what could be? What if another replica, someone like me, could have become it's own person, and I'm interfering with that just by existing? Isn't that wrong?

[ she's right: he hasn't thought about it that deeply. When she explains, however, he understands pretty quickly. It always comes back to this - the idea that they aren't supposed to be here. Like Xion is committing some crime just by standing here and breathing.

Roxas had had enough of this a long time ago - the moment he stepped out of the Castle That Never Was, in fact. He'd railed against the world that wanted to shut him out, deemed him unworthy to live. He lashed out with all the strength he had, and even after he'd lost - after he'd been subsumed into Sora again - he'd desperately grasped for the reason why. There never was one good enough for him.

His lips press together into a thin line, and he shakes his head, eyes serious. ]

But that's not what happened. It didn't become someone else - it became you, Xion. That isn't wrong.

[ he's tired of being told that other people deserve to exist more than he does - more than Xion does. Haven't they suffered enough? The fact that she still feels like she needs to earn her place in the world makes his stomach churn. Not for the first time, he wishes he could say something that would help - but words haven't ever been his strong suit. ]

I want you to be here.

But it could have become someone else.

[She argues, voice strained as she wrings her hands together in that moment. He says that he wants her here. She wants to be here, with him, with Axel, with the two of them. That's all she's ever wanted, nothing more, nothing less.

It doesn't stop heavy thoughts from forming in her heart, threatening to swallow her whole if she thinks too hard about them. She shouldn't, so much was sacrificed to give her this much. So many people were hurt.

And yet, if her thoughts were true, if the vessel she was inhabiting could have gained a life all it's own, she'd have given it to the potential in a second.

Maybe she gets that much from Sora.]

I want to be here. With you.

[Her voice sounds small, and she casts her eyes away, finding their shoes and the stone road more interesting in that moment.]

[ he can't tell if he's helping or not. Xion's good at hiding away her feelings and making herself as unobtrusive a presence as possible. He's sure she's been struggling with this for a while, even before he'd noticed anything about her seemed off. It makes him frustrated. Not with her, but with himself, for not being able to make her feel better - and with the world, for still making her question if she belongs in it.

Hearing that she wants to be here is a small relief, at least, assuaging some of that fear she'll run away again. If this had been the old Roxas back in the castle, he might have been satisfied with that; now, though, he's got a bit more emotional perspective. His fears aren't the ones that need to be assuaged. ]

You know... Even when I couldn't remember you - even when I was in Sora, I knew it was you. I didn't know your name, and I didn't recognize how you looked, but my heart knew. And when I remembered, it really was you. It was like magic.

[ he speaks slowly but seriously. All he can do is say what he's feeling, inarticulate as it may be. This isn't an empty vessel, a former person that had Xion placed into it, the way Xehanort would rob other people's bodies, he thinks. It was nothing, and then it became Xion. ]

If there's another heart out there that wants to be born, it'll find a way, like ours did. But this body is yours. It's someone because it's full of memories of you. [ Roxas quietly clenches his fists; then, after a moment, he wills himself to relax them, hesitantly reaching one hand out to touch her shoulder, a gesture somehow both gently pleading and fiercely protective. ] You're what makes it whole.

[The action helps surprisingly more than the words, the simple act of an affirming touch, a connection between them despite everything, is more reassuring than words. Or words alone, at least. Her own hand comes up to hold it in her own, to marvel at the warmth of it.

Roxas was always warm. A radiant, brilliant warmth befitting of the light of his heart. It's hard not to feel at least a little eased by the action, and a smile tugs ever so slightly at her lips.]

I know, I know. But... My heart came from nothing too at first, didn't it? You were the one who made it real. Axel- Lea [She corrects herself sheepishly.] too. I just... I know they were vessels waiting to be filled, but it was other people who made me, me. It could be like that too. They have the potential to have their own heart.

[Maybe she's just rambling, maybe she's not making any sense. It's just hard to ease her worries entirely, the unique perspective of once being an empty vessel like the very body her heart is now housed in colouring her thoughts more than she should let it.]

[ Oh. She smiled a little. Just a little, but it's more than enough to bolster his confidence. Xion's smile is funny like that. He'd happily say as many embarrassing, inarticulate sentences as she needs to hear if it means he'll see it again. He'd do just about anything, really. Roxas can't help but brighten slightly, himself. ]

Yeah... I know. I get what you're saying. [ he looks thoughtful again. ] But I don't know what makes a new heart start to grow.

[ he won't pretend that he has all the answers, because boy, does he not have them, and they both know it. They've always been equals, more or less. It's one of the reasons she's so easy to talk to. Axel might have a better answer to this whole question -- but Xion asked him, not Axel, and he's grown enough to know that was on purpose. ]

Maybe... someone wanting you to be here is all it takes. Or wanting to be with someone. [ a wry smile, small but hopeful; he tilts his head at her. ] I guess you and me are lucky. Our hearts have each other.

Edited 2023-04-25 06:09 (UTC)

[ Soon enough, he's back home -- or the planet where "home" theoretically is, anyway. How he got back is a bit of a blur. All of it is a bit of a blur, really, but the names and faces of the people he met are too clear for him to pass it off as a bizarre dream... or so he would think, save for the fact that no time seems to have passed at all since he went on "vacation" to that game show. Johnny remains exactly where he left off: at a shitty tavern in an English port town, where the trans-Atlantic ship he'd boarded after the race had anchored itself. The days he spent in a cabin bunk, rolling that singular steel ball he had left between his hands while the ocean rocked him back and forth, felt much more real than the 'dating show.' Whatever that was.

There was, of course, one way to prove that it had really happened. They'd succeeded in the game, and that meant that his wish would supposedly be granted - and if his wish was granted, then a miracle should have happened. But there was no fuss when the cargo was loaded onto the next ship, one bound for Naples. If a man came back from the dead, someone would have said something. He's sure.

They would have noticed. Right?

Johnny felt like an idiot for even getting his hopes up. He feels like an even bigger idiot when they aren't completely crushed, when his heart continues aching, clinging to the impossibility that literal magic might have brought his dearest friend back to him without anyone noticing. An hour passes; he's aboard the ship, it leaves port, and Johnny's feet carry him, still unsteady and guided by a long makeshift walking stick, down to the boat's cargo hold. The stairs nearly do him in, but he makes it, though part of him thinks he could use a good knock to the head for bothering to come down at all. He tells himself that he's just checking in on Valkyrie - the poor thing's been stuck on boats as long as he has. The lie doesn't stop him from immediately looking for the pine box that had become Gyro's permanent home beforehand.

And finding it. Fallen down, empty, with the lid ajar. ]

... The fuck?

[ his heartrate spikes. maybe the stupid boat just rocked a little too hard and knocked it over. that probably happened -- but then where's the body? Hidden somewhere in the cargo bay, fallen behind one of the stacks of boxes or something? Or maybe... His voice is querulous when he calls; he tries to make it as loud as he can manage, anyway. ]

... Gyro...?

...

[Their hearts have each other... That's true, she remembers before she really existed, the draw and pull to Roxas that now she knows was because she was supposed to absorb him, replace him. It's not a pleasant reminder of their past, of her once ability to hurt him just by being around him, and she'd never known.

She remembers feeling so, so strong, when Roxas had been at his weakest, and he had been so tired. The strength she had then, pulled from him, but all she had wanted at the time was to protect him. To be with him.

They've always had each other. By her very nature, she was created both for and by him, for a myriad of reasons. Her hands ball into fists, and the tension reminds her that she's alive, and they can co-exist and not hurt each other simply by being anymore.

It doesn't answer her questions, but it does make her chest swell with fondness and warmth.]

That's not how it started out though, did it.

[A statement, not a question. What then, was the spark that gave her a life her own? What does it take for a puppet to grow a heart? She doesn't know, and there's no way Roxas could either. But it's the speculation that she wants to hear from him. She wants to know what he thinks makes a heart, she wants Roxas' opinion.]

[ he shakes his head with a small, pensive hum. No, it's not how it started. Like her, he has vague memories of how he was at the start, all hollow and empty - back then, Roxas figures he was close to what Xemnas kept insisting they all were. Shows him how wrong he was: look at him now. No, look at both of them.

But that's not the point. What's the difference between the old Roxas and Xion and the ones standing here now? He thinks hard. Not one of his greatest skills, admittedly - but if it's for her, he'll try his best at pretty much anything. ]

No... But when I think about it, I don't think you were ever "nothing." Even back at the start, you had feelings, even if they weren't yours. I was the same way. When we made new memories of our own, that's when we started to be... well, us. But even before that, it's like you already had part of a heart - the same one I did.

[ a pause. His hand drops from her shoulder to scratch the back of his head, somewhat sheepishly. They owe Sora a lot, upon reflection - he already knew that! - but moreover, he suddenly feels like what he's saying is sort of embarrassing. It's true, but still! ]

Like I said, right? It's you that makes it whole.

[Back at the start. When they were both still figuring themselves out, both of them finding their footing and testing, seeking, learning what they could and couldn't do. Roxas says that she wasn't "Nothing", that she still had feelings back then, but the distance between "Then" and "Now" is hazy, like a fog rolling in off the sea.

And yet, warmth blooms in her chest for his earnestness. Roxas doesn't know, and she doesn't know, but it's his speculation she wants. Not Axel- Lea's attempt at scrambling for answers that may or may not make sense. Besides, even between the three of them, it feels like her and Roxas are more similar to each other than him, as strange as that might be.

Both of them came from Sora. Maybe she hadn't ever been a Nobody like Roxas, but neither of them had memories or a past.

Maybe that's why she seeks his opinion on this ugly feeling that's burdened her for a few nights now. Roxas doesn't know either, but he's trying to understand what she's saying, and he's trying to put things together from what he knows.]

Maybe. But its still... It's hard not to feel like I'm taking up space that could have been someone else. That... Maybe my time has already come and gone, you know? I had my chance.

OPEN POST 2023

roxas / kingdom hearts

johnny joestar / jojo's bizarre adventure

ermes / jojo's bizarre adventure

honks my silly clown nose

blessed by this delicious tag

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bursts out of my cave with a paid finally

(LOUD APPLAUSE)

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bababooey

i said BABABOOEY

looks at ur second, non-deleted bababooey with fondness. god i have such shit icons left rn