[ She pauses too, but she's also (thankfully) grown out of lying for the sake of keeping Garry happy. Diva nods, then reaches to hold his hand. ]
I do. I can't help it. I know you hate it when I bring him up, but... [ She gives his hand a little squeeze. ]
Amshel always said that there were problems with associating with humans that are just practical. I know he was wrong about the associating part, but the practical parts... They're kind of true. It's been fine so far, but eventually, people will notice that I look the same in a way that's strange. You'll age, but I won't, and eventually, our girls will stop aging too. That's practical.
[ Her voice gets more gentle, but her grip on his hand tightens even more. By now, her strength has faded, since she no longer feeds on people directly, so it's not painful, but it's still tight. ] But more than that, I'd miss you, Garry. We all would. Without Sister here, who knows how long I'll even live? I could really be immortal, or even just living for hundreds of years... I've already lived for two centuries, so it feels like humans don't live long enough at all. I'll be by your side forever, but I guess it's selfish, since I want our "forevers" to be the same.
[ hearing it all from her directly like this - not in a moment of anger or sadness, just talking about it normally, and bringing up the points that he already thinks about... it hurts. It almost physically hurts. He feels his chest tighten and his brow crease, and his face becomes very troubled as he listens, though he links his hand with hers easily.
There was a time when he never would have believed that Diva could say such words and truly mean them. Fairy tale words, like staying together forever. She's still so pure of mind in some ways. Garry wishes that he could so earnestly believe in something like that, but even now, as much as he loves her, as much as he knows that what she's saying is true, it seems big and far away -- not real. ]
You're so sweet, [ he murmurs, closing his eyes, and wonders, as he does rather often, how he could possibly deserve a love like this. It's heavy, he supposes. For reasons just like this. ] ... I'm afraid of living forever. And if you turn me... I'm afraid that I'll change.
[ She admits that much easily, because it's a change that she's witnessed many times before. There were Chevalier that she had fancied, maybe even loved, briefly, before time passed and they became different people. She saw Solomon discard the last bits of his humanity, watched Karl descend into a deep madness, and stood by as Amshel became more and more overt about his manipulations as he became increasingly sure that Diva wouldn't leave him. She didn't want to see the same happen to Garry, because being a Chevalier was an awful thing. But it was also the only way to make sure that she wouldn't be left behind. ]
I don't want you to change, though. The human Garry, that's the one I love, and I don't really know how you'd change. I just love you so much that it makes me feel a little selfish.
[ She laughs warmly, nestling more against him. ] I wish I could be human, for you. I'd rather become human than make you my Chevalier. Our daughters too. Being a Chiropteran... It's always a little bit sad, I think.
[ she's mentioned the 'change' in her Chevalier to him before any of this even happened, before there was a choice to make at all, so he's not surprised by what she says to him or the bittersweet sound of her words. Somehow, hearing her laugh this time just makes a chill settle into his skin. Garry's posture weakens; he sighs and tries to concentrate on the fingers interwoven with his. ]
It is sad... I still remember it a little bit. [ it was a long time ago, but the memory is still painful, and probably always would be. That was a deep wound. But it wasn't the injury he should be concentrating on now - he should be looking towards the ones to come. ] But I don't know if it's sadder than leaving you alone.
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I do. I can't help it. I know you hate it when I bring him up, but... [ She gives his hand a little squeeze. ]
Amshel always said that there were problems with associating with humans that are just practical. I know he was wrong about the associating part, but the practical parts... They're kind of true. It's been fine so far, but eventually, people will notice that I look the same in a way that's strange. You'll age, but I won't, and eventually, our girls will stop aging too. That's practical.
[ Her voice gets more gentle, but her grip on his hand tightens even more. By now, her strength has faded, since she no longer feeds on people directly, so it's not painful, but it's still tight. ] But more than that, I'd miss you, Garry. We all would. Without Sister here, who knows how long I'll even live? I could really be immortal, or even just living for hundreds of years... I've already lived for two centuries, so it feels like humans don't live long enough at all. I'll be by your side forever, but I guess it's selfish, since I want our "forevers" to be the same.
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There was a time when he never would have believed that Diva could say such words and truly mean them. Fairy tale words, like staying together forever. She's still so pure of mind in some ways. Garry wishes that he could so earnestly believe in something like that, but even now, as much as he loves her, as much as he knows that what she's saying is true, it seems big and far away -- not real. ]
You're so sweet, [ he murmurs, closing his eyes, and wonders, as he does rather often, how he could possibly deserve a love like this. It's heavy, he supposes. For reasons just like this. ] ... I'm afraid of living forever. And if you turn me... I'm afraid that I'll change.
no subject
[ She admits that much easily, because it's a change that she's witnessed many times before. There were Chevalier that she had fancied, maybe even loved, briefly, before time passed and they became different people. She saw Solomon discard the last bits of his humanity, watched Karl descend into a deep madness, and stood by as Amshel became more and more overt about his manipulations as he became increasingly sure that Diva wouldn't leave him. She didn't want to see the same happen to Garry, because being a Chevalier was an awful thing. But it was also the only way to make sure that she wouldn't be left behind. ]
I don't want you to change, though. The human Garry, that's the one I love, and I don't really know how you'd change. I just love you so much that it makes me feel a little selfish.
[ She laughs warmly, nestling more against him. ] I wish I could be human, for you. I'd rather become human than make you my Chevalier. Our daughters too. Being a Chiropteran... It's always a little bit sad, I think.
no subject
It is sad... I still remember it a little bit. [ it was a long time ago, but the memory is still painful, and probably always would be. That was a deep wound. But it wasn't the injury he should be concentrating on now - he should be looking towards the ones to come. ] But I don't know if it's sadder than leaving you alone.