tunasub | closed - part deux

Entry tags:

korosensei+aguri

closed - part deux

[ It's less painful than he was expecting - that's his first thought. Hundreds - no, thousands of times, he's watched the life leave people's bodies, watched the light leave their eyes, and so he thought he had a good idea of what to expect. There was no fear or resignation as he laid there, surrounded by his students, the weight of Nagisa's body pushing down on his chest. Just the feeling of being tired, and an unusual sense of peace. They'd all come so far; they'd more than exceeded his expectations. He was proud. Terribly proud.

It happens so quickly that he hardly feels the knife piercing through. Yes, it's certainly less painful than he was expecting - physically. But there's a bittersweet ache in his heart that's not coming from any blade. The students are crying. This is goodbye.

And so it was.

Nothingness. Then, the feeling of drifting ashore, or perhaps being pulled, or being dizzy - it's difficult to describe, in no small part because he does not expect there to be anything to describe. There's grass pushing at his back again, orange light filtering through his eyelids. He feels small and light and numb. Ah, surely, this is a hallucination in his last moments, or perhaps he'll wake up and see fires burning and punishment waiting for him, as he no doubt deserves. But when he forces his eyes open with difficulty, all that's waiting for him is a familiar dusky sky, and a familiar mountainous horizon, and a familiar early-morning dewy haze. It's Kunigagaoka. There's no way he'd forget this sight.

There's been some kind of mistake. At first, he wonders if he somehow failed to die. When he climbs to his feet and notices that they are, in fact, feet, and finds himself swimming in a now-baggy graduation robe, he wonders if he really is hallucinating. The students are nowhere to be seen, but it appears a few hours have passed since they finally graduated from hiss classroom. None of it makes any sense. But the tranquility he felt earlier as he lay in his final moments hasn't left him yet. Inside, he thinks, he knows that it's over. It's not worth panicking about. He turns towards the dilapidated old school building. His fingers (fingers! so strange and new, suddenly) squeeze the fabric of that floppy old tie, finding the new tear in the fabric. Without putting much thought into it, he starts moving towards the classroom building, drawn towards it like a magnet. It's natural. It's the place where he belongs. The home he was given.

If he could, he'd like to see them just one more time. He doesn't dare hope for more than that. ]

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[ Perhaps because he's not actively hoping for it, this might come as a shock. Because he'll find the building occupied-- not by his students, who had bid him a soft, tearful goodbye. Not the other teachers.

But someone is in that classroom, walking the rows of desks, passing a fond hand over the teacher's desk-- and it's there he'll find her.

She'd seen everything. The way her students - his children - had tried everything in their power to save him, how ultimately Nagisa had put an end to it. Aguri had said it before-- she gladly would have died, to save his life. If this was the outcome of her death, once again... she doesn't regret a thing.

Except that she's seeing him again so soon, and in a familiar form that drags back memories of speaking softly through a thick glass pane, the first time his tentacles had suggested that it would be fine to be honest.

Aguri looks at him now, with such quiet pride. ]

Welcome back.

[ no, he wasn't expecting to see her there at all. He was halfway expecting not to find anyone here as he'd walked down the hall, listening to the unfamiliar sound of his footsteps creaking on the wooden floors. Alone with his thoughts, he'd probably have assumed that this was some form of purgatory. But if she's here...

He freezes in the doorway, eyes widening at her familiar figure, framed not by the artificial lighting of a sterile room but the gentle dawn streaming through the classroom windows - how she's supposed to look, no doubt, and how he never got to see her. Suddenly faced with the sight of her, the fond look on her face, he finds himself dry-mouthed and glued to the spot for a handful of seconds. ]

... I am dreaming again, aren't I? [ one last dream, maybe - typical that it would be of her. Even so, he finds himself continuing. It's over now. He feels like he can talk to her without shame. ] ... I'm back. Were you waiting for me?

Mm. [ The affirmation could mean anything, her nod-- but then she clarifies with a faint smile, something reminiscent softening her gaze. ]

I think I might have been waiting ever since the first time you held me.

[ Aguri approaches him now, extending her hand. If he reaches out to take it, he'll find her grip to be warm and solid. She's not transparent this time, or fading. He'll realize sooner or later... that this isn't a dream. Not this time. ]

[ There's a flicker in his expression at that comment. Was she referring to their last moments together, when he held her body as it rapidly lost its warmth? Or could she be referring to what he, himself, had been referring to? The dream? It seems impossible, but so does the idea of meeting her again at all. Yet here he is. ]

Sorry. I ended up having quite a busy graduation season. I was the substitute teacher for a very rambunctious class. [ he tries to talk lightly and easily, like he always does, but it's strained, noticeably so; the tranquil of death that enveloped him is starting to fade the longer he stands here before her. Right now, he's still confused. The truth of the matter is obvious, and is beginning to dawn on his heart, but his logical mind is still processing it all.

However, it doesn't take him any time to decide to take her hand. He'd touched her before, in his dream, and before, with his tentacles; never before this has he touched her with his own hand. He's never really known the gentle warmth of her skin without the spectre of death hanging over it, or how her smaller hand might fit in his without a layer of antimatter tentacles between them. It's never felt so real. Suddenly, he's back in that little room behind a wall of plexiglass, and he thinks that he's been waiting for a long time, too.

His eyes linger on their hands, then drift back up to her face, somewhat searchingly. ]

But now, I think that I'm finally going to have some free time. [ this is real, isn't it? ]

Edited 2016-04-30 05:43 (UTC)

I think you deserve it, after everything you've been through. The adventure that you've had... you've made some fun memories, haven't you?

[ Aguri's smile can only do so much to reassure him, though she's sure he's got questions. Knowing him, he's probably expected to end up somewhere entirely different. He probably didn't think there would be someone waiting for him, who had watched over him with a wistfulness to match the zeal with which he'd watched over his class.

But she is here, her fingers gently folding over his. One person probably isn't enough to assuage the loss of over twenty, she knows, and she's nowhere near arrogant enough to think that she alone will be able to help ease him into the afterlife.

But she wants to try. After all, the man in front of her means so much, so much. Her rock, who had saved her students, her sister.

So Aguri bows her head after a moment. ]

... Thank you. For everything you've done.

[ he doesn't respond to her question this time, simply looking at her with that same faint bewilderment. Her fingers close over his own, small and warm. Yes, surely, this is Aguri. Slowly, he starts to accept it. Even if it's unbelievable, or impossible, or seemingly unfair (to think that someone like her and someone like him could end up in the same place after it all!), he feels a strange sense of certainty about it all. He is dead - no, he was killed, and now he's here, with her.

Despite what she's thinking, he has no sense of loss. He hasn't lost anyone at all; he's merely seen them off from their graduation, as a teacher should. And there's no sense of loss about his own death, either. That was something he came to terms with almost one year ago. No, this isn't sad. If anything, it's almost too good to be true. Yet the emotions he's actually feeling are far more complex than happiness - a bittersweet ache as he realizes he'll never see them again, but knows that they've achieved more than he hoped they would; a strange sense of relief, to be freed from the burdens of living in a world that was not usually his friend; more than anything, something thick and cloying, sitting heavy in his throat, as he stands here in front of the most important person in his life one more time... All of the walls have been torn down. It's overwhelming. ]

That should be my line. [ it shows in his voice a little bit, that heaviness. He instinctively wants to reach out with a tentacle to comfort her, but he doesn't have them anymore, he finds. His hand slips from hers, instead, gently reaching for her cheek to guide her head back up before he can think better of it. This time, it's not a strange, miraculous construction of microfiber tentacles - just the calloused hand of an experienced career assassin. ] ... You were watching me? The whole time?

[ Aguri's hand moves involuntarily, fingers twitching as though she's regretting the loss of his own hand-- but then it's there, calloused palm warm against her cheek, and she obediently lifts her eyes. This... is the hand of a man who has killed so many people that he's likely lost count. But to her, it's the hand of someone who had taken her words about being someone in a different world... and had become that person. Smart, slightly perverted, stubborn...

Someone who saw people when he looked at them. ]

... Yes. I thought that, since I'd asked so much of you, the least I could do was watch. Witness for myself what happened over the course of a year.

And I've said this, and I'll say it again... you've really become a splendid teacher, Korosensei. Just as I've known you would be.

[ Her voice also shares that heaviness, but she's smiling. ]

[ hearing those complimentary words from her is almost enough to make him revise his thoughts and consider that he might be dreaming after all. It's nothing more than what he's always yearned to hear. That he was doing all right. That she was happy with his work. Words that he, of course, would never hear; this is more than he deserves or expects. When she calls him "Korosensei," it's enough to make tears start prickling at the back of his eyes. ]

Aguri... [ it's rare for him to be so tongue-tied, but, well. there's a lot on his mind now. A lot of things that even Korosensei couldn't have prepared for. There are so many things he wants to tell her that he can barely find the words to express them, let alone the place to start. Judging by the tone of her voice, though, she's feeling the same way, and it comforts him just a little. ] ... Knowing you were watching me during those times and that time is enough to make me want to die again.

[ ... and he can't read the mood, as usual. Or, more likely, he's trying to cover up how deeply touched and shaken he is, considering how his voice quivers. He should probably take his hand away now, but he doesn't want to. He wants to finally touch her. After a moment, he adds, more subdued: ] ... Did I do all right, Aguri?

[ It takes her a moment, and even longer than that, to not only realize which times he's talking about, but to then fight back the initial rush of embarrassment, because you're a pervert. Granted, she's suspecting this is how he copes, so she won't actually shriek at him. Especially when he continues, and she smiles at him steadily and tilts her head ever so slightly into the curve of his palm. ]

The way your students tried to save you should tell you enough.

But you've done amazingly.

[ he could be talking about anything, aguri, pls... don't tarnish his name... but she is right. he is coping, and doing the best he can to endure this encounter he never expected and the praise and approval he never hoped for. It's what he did back when he was alive. It's even what he did before he was a teacher, sort of - masking all his emotions with a smile and a laugh. He's trying very hard to hold it all together in front of her; it was so effortless when he was the Reaper, but now that he's truly lived, the full weight of his life and everything he felt is too heavy to just push aside.

She tells him that he did good and leans her beautiful face into his hand like he'd never dared to hope, and his resistance buckles. ]

I wanted to hear it from you. [ his voice is thick with tears, trembling, totally unbefitting of the man called the Grim Reaper - but it probably suits Korosensei just fine. Even so, he can't keep himself from smiling. Bittersweet though it may be, he's succeeded - he wasn't perfect, and he made mistakes, but he'd protected them, managed to guide them through that final year safely, managed to fulfill his promise. And now, this. It's so much more than he ever deserved. ] You were -- my teacher, after all.

[ she's so much more, too, but for now, she's his teacher - she needs to know that, too. His hand slips from her face, though reluctantly, and rests on the punctured crescent moon on his tie. Now it's his turn to bow his head. ]

... You gave me the most wonderful years of my life. No - you gave me my life. I never thought I'd be able to thank you for that. [ there's too much he needs to say, and all the words he can think of don't seem like enough. He hesitates, swallowing, and in the end, he just says: ] ... Thank you.

You-- wait-- [ Aguri stammers, and it's embarrassing, because they're supposed to be having this solemn, serene moment (probably), but when she can literally hear the tears drenching his tone-- she finds herself at a loss. She'd wanted to reassure him that he'd done well, that he'd done what she hadn't been able to do while she'd been alive and hadn't been able to do after she'd died. He'd made so many lives that much more enriched by his presence and his teachings, and to hear him call her his teacher-- it's an honor that she'd honestly never imagined.

She'd... wanted him to live, with them. To guide her sister-- Kaede, now, on her path. To keep their smiles and confidence in place. To find his reason for living. He'd told her that she'd given him his life, but he stands here before her, and Aguri shakes her head helplessly, blinking back tears as best as she can. ]

Please... don't bow your head. I wanted to do... so much more for you.

... I wanted to watch you grow old. [ and here he is. ]

[ she'd said as much to him before, he thinks. Or was that just a dream? He's not so sure anymore. This is all rather surreal, but he doesn't want to think about it too hard - last time he did, she'd disappeared, and he'd woken up. Instead, he forces himself to smile, laughing softly under his breath in spite of the tears in his eyes and throat. His time was limited from the start - she should know, too. From the moment they all learned his body could detonate, he became a presence that couldn't exist for long on this world, no matter how low the chances were.

But he's not going to say that to her. Her sentiment is too tender to brush off; he feels his heart swell, and he resists the urge to balk at the idea that she could have done more for him. What more could she have done? She did everything for him. ]

... Would you be satisfied with just watching? [ a rhetorical question, posed in a wry tone of voice - not that he wouldn't have liked to live, if he could, but he'll let her unpack the implications herself. He rubs away the tears in his eyes with the back of his wrist. ] Haha. This kind of heavy atmosphere doesn't suit the two of us at all, does it? Let's try to smile more. This should be a happy reunion, after all.

[ It's not that he's not happy. He's extremely happy. Maybe too happy. The last time he saw her, his emotions were so fresh and new that he didn't know what to do with them - like a fawn stumbling around on wobbly legs. After this past year, though, the time he spent learning with his students has let him understand everything he'd missed out on as an assassin. Now he knows precisely what he's feeling when he looks on her. Pride, relief, nostalgia, joy, overwhelming joy -- love. It is love, isn't it? He'd realized that a moment too late last time. This awkward, gullible, overly-enthusiastic middle school teacher had slowly and silently assassinated the God of Death before he even noticed what was going on. Korosensei straightens his back, although it's coupled with a tellingly-sniffly inhale. ]

Do you remember what you said to me, Aguri? You told me that someday, I'd find someone so precious to me that I wouldn't mind being killed for their sake. You were right. I found 28 of them, right in that class. That's why you shouldn't be sad for me. [ his voice is entirely honest. He can't be sad about dying when they're the ones who killed him. But there's a twinkle in his eye that says he's not saying everything on his mind. ]

[ Spoken like a teacher, she thinks, posing questions that don't have simple answers without sifting through rather complicated thoughts first. She'd known he wouldn't have long to live, even though the desperate, foolish part of her had hoped to find a way before he'd decided to take matters into his own hands-- or tentacles, as it were.

Occasionally she'd wondered, what it would be like-- if she had convinced him not to attack everyone, if they'd returned to that classroom and those students together. Akari wouldn't have been there, though. Akari, the students that had trickled in to try their hands at assassinating him-- now, though, they've both returned to a place that holds cherished memories for them. It seems only fitting that they both end up here, and Aguri smiles softly, shaking her head. ]

It's a happy kind of sad. Or a painful sort of happiness? A bit of an oxymoron, I know, but I can't think of any better way to describe it. You... found so many precious people, and I'm incredibly happy for you.

Edited 2016-05-14 20:58 (UTC)

[ suffice to say that he'd wondered the same thing - dozens of times, too many to count. What if he'd taken a moment to stop and think? He was supposed to have been the level-headed assassin, prepared for any situation, and yet the specter of his own death had caught him off guard and frightened him into a rampage. If only he'd hesitated. If only he'd been more prepared - more skilled, faster, more precise -- but what-ifs never got him anywhere. He'd stopped wondering about them some time ago. Holding onto regrets would only make him squander the gift that Aguri had given him, after all. And, standing here now and looking back, he can't say that he'd want to go back and change anything. Weighing Aguri's life against his classroom is not just impossible - it's a waste of time. ]

No, no, I know exactly what you mean, [ he replies in a hasty manner, apparently trying to reassure her. after all, he feels pretty much the same way. ] ... I can't say that I'm happy to be dead. But if my death could add meaning to the lives of those children, then I can feel satisfied. ... Just like you said. You really are a great teacher.

[ if only she'd been able to fulfill her dream - he's sure she would have been incredible. But, again, there's no point in wishing things were different. It's all over now. Even this encounter is more than he could have imagined. And, quite frankly, it's difficult for his mind to wander to its usual doubts and dreams when she's here with him again, vibrant and responsive and -- not alive, but here. Maybe it's a trained response from back when he was little more than a lab rat and seeing her face was the only thing that he looked forward to. That's what the God of Death would have thought. Korosensei knows the truth is simpler. ]

That said, I was right, too. [ he laces his fingers together. ] ... For me, there's no one else out there like you.

[ No one, she thinks, barring certain cases, ever really wants to die. Some have death sentences. Some are given ultimatums. Others, like her, lose their lives before time and natural circumstances can draw them to the other side. It happens, without warning most of the time, and it's unfair to everyone involved.

But if she'd had to die, she's glad her death had helped him so much. Kept him alive, led him to those children who had needed him more. And his own death had added meaning to the lives they'd continue to lead, as he'd said. A death that may hurt, but also helps... it's about as ideal as it can be.

And sadly, death hasn't cured her of blushing or any other slightly dopey expressions, because she sure looks flustered now. ]

I think you've complimented me more than enough already...

[ And Aguri had hoped he'd find someone else, even as the thought had made her heart ache. But he couldn't live his life caring so strongly for a dead woman, and yet... here they are. ]

Actually, I could keep on going for quite a while. [ especially if she's going to make such a cute face. When he sees her blushing like that, he can't resist the urge to tease her - the nostalgia fills him like a warm, soothing tea, seeping into his tired bones. He missed her. But he finds the teasing doesn't come quite so easily anymore when his heart's all aflutter, too. Sensei's face colors as he considers how close to a flat-out confession that was, and he clears his throat rather thickly. ] But, um, it would probably be more embarrassing for Sensei. That is, for me.

[ because he knows he'd make an absolute fool out of himself for this woman if given the chance. Hell, he already has, in a way, becoming Korosensei. But he's embraced that weakness and foolishness wholeheartedly. Without it, he wouldn't have been able to look at his students head on. Or face her like this. So, like a fool, he continues after a pause of a few seconds. ]

Do you dislike being complimented by me? I can stop.

[ he knows exactly what the answer to this question is, or he is, at least, fairly confident, but that urge to tease her is just too great; he's got a little sly smile on his face despite the blush. (And maybe - maybe - he's selfishly looking for a response from her, a confirmation - something he has no right to look for, but if he's already dead, then what does he have to lose now?)]

[ Why is he doing this to her? Akari teasing her had been bad enough, but she was accustomed to her little sister doing such a thing! Korosensei, though-- because that's who he was now, not a Shinigami but a teacher who had earned his name and title with aplomb-- it's been so long since he's teased her like this that she hasn't had time to build up any sort of resistance.

But is it really teasing, though? There's something gentle about it, and when she peeks at him, he's just as red as she's sure her face must be. There's something more to this. There'd always been something more, but things had ended before she could muster up her bravery enough to speak up about it. Now, though... what's actually stopping either of them, except her own uncertainty about his feelings?

And hadn't what he just said been some form of confirmation? ]

... It's not that I dislike it... it's just a little overwhelming. You always seem to make me feel as though I'm someone pretty amazing, when I'd always thought that about you.

... What are you saying? You are amazing.

[ he hadn't been lying back then, when she'd told him her worries and he'd told her it's you, i'm sure you'll be fine, and he's not lying now, either. Her optimism, her hard-working nature, her kindness, her boundless generosity - she was like the sun to him, illuminating the way out of the shadows. Being apart from her for a year hasn't dimmed her light in his eyes in the least. If anything, the longer he stands here in front of her, the more he's drawn in by it. He might be teasing her, too, but there's an earnest quality to his voice, a sort of gentle reverence. His cheeks are red, and those thin fox eyes of his narrow even more as he smiles at her.

Yes, he loves her. He doesn't deserve this at all. He doesn't know why he's been given this chance, this meeting, but he can't look back now. His students might move on from this place, but he never will. All of his happiness is here. ]

If being overwhelmed by a washed-up assassin is the only way to make you realize that, then I guess there's no helping it. I'll do my worst. [ so he says. But rather than barrage her with more flattery, he's quiet for a moment, swallowing thickly. Then, almost shyly, he opens his arms towards her slightly. ] ... You wanted to touch me, right? ... Come here.

[ She's not accustomed to reverence-- not from anyone, and when he speaks so gently, looks at her as though she's truly the most precious thing he's ever laid eyes on, Aguri almost wants to cry. There'd been something between them, something even she had realized, but before anything had come of it (would anything have come of it, she'd thought)...

But there's no reason to dwell on what had happened. What lies ahead of her is him, extending his arms and saying a line so like something from one of Akari's dramas and yet it fits so perfectly that she can't even sigh at him.

Because he's right. This is so much more than thin tendrils of a tentacle cupping her cheek, and now that she's felt his warmth, Aguri can't even dream of stopping herself from walking into that inviting hold. Her own arms move, to wrap tightly around him. ]

I thought so... you're truly such a warm presence.

[ sorry, aguri, he was a very cheesy person on the inside the entire time... he had you fooled.

he can't help but tense up slightly at first, because he is rather nervous - he can feel his pulse fluttering in his neck like a little bird. Briefly, he ponders about why he can still even feel a pulse if he's dead - a trick of the mind? phantom pains? - but this very situation is nonsensical to begin with, and the problem can hardly hold his attention right now, anyway. Almost immediately, though, he relaxes, folding his arms around her smaller frame. He'd always watched her through that glass panel, and, later, in his dreams and memories, but he never thought he'd be able to hold her like this. His heart swells like it's going to burst.

Finally. ]

And you're short. Have you been eating properly? [ he teases, sounding teacherly, but it's breathless, affectionate; he can't resist the urge to press his face into her hair and breathe her in. His embrace tightens a fraction, as if she'll disappear again if he doesn't hold onto her strongly enough this time - though one gets the impression he's the one who'd fall over right about now if she wasn't holding him so tightly. ]

[ There's a very instinctive huff, and she very nearly retorts that while she was alive, her sister had made a point of asking nearly every day if all of her calories had gone to her chest.

But no, that's not worth mentioning, and she can tell he doesn't actually mean to mock her-- not when his breath stirs Aguri's hair (his breath, when neither of them ought to draw it anymore) and she can feel the softest pressure there. There's a sharp contrast to how it had felt when she'd been choking on her own blood in his trembling arms and now, when there's a peace beyond the knowledge of her death to be found where she is. ]

From how tightly you're holding me, [ she says finally, lightly, although her grip is likely more firm here-- ] I think you've wanted to touch me, too.

[ Reflexively, he makes a small, strangled "nyu" sound, which would undoubtedly look really silly coming out of him like this. Good thing she can't see his face like this. Better, since it also means she won't see him turn redder. Like she caught him in the middle of something... as if her statement wasn't patently obvious already. ]

T-that's... That goes without saying, doesn't it? [ Surely, she knew he'd cared about her, right? Maybe not. Back then, even he hadn't known what he was feeling - and the God of Death hadn't exactly been easy to read. He'd even said some callous things to her at the moment he gave the tentacles control. The realization causes a small pang of guilt, and he holds her a little closer unconsciously. Sorry.

Perhaps he should be more straightforward with her. But he's paralyzed by the idea. By nature, he's a weak man. He's afraid. And he doesn't want to act on his own feelings; he wants to respond to hers, even if he can't keep his arms from embracing her. (Weak, really! He'll blame the tentacles, absent or not...) ]

I think it's important to convey your feelings. Otherwise, people have to guess at how it is you feel, and they won't always guess correctly. [ Her class, for as much as she'd wanted to understand them, had never truly opened up to her, and she'd only been able to learn how they'd felt long after her death. Thanks to the adorably frazzled man currently holding her. ]

But we have time now. I finally have the time to get to understand you properly. And you have the time to tell me.

[ If he's willing to. Just this hug is enough for her, honestly. ]

Nngh... You're terrible, sensei.

[ isn't he supposed to be the one doing the teasing?! She probably doesn't even consider this teasing. She's just being her usual straightforward self. It works like a charm on him, predictably. If it's a request from her, he can't say no. Even if he feels like he's not qualified to speak these words - to want anything at all from her - he just can't. Not when she puts it like that. Besides, she's right - as she often is.

Korosensei has experience and know-how for almost every situation possible... except this one. He's quiet for a second or three, presumably trying to come up with the right cool line, or maybe the courage to pull back and look her in the eyes like a man. He fails on both counts. Cheek still resting on her hair, he takes a deep breath, exhales, and tries to speak his mind. ]

... I have. I wanted to touch you, too. I've wanted to hug you like this for a long time. I wanted to hold your hand... I wanted to steal you away from Yanagisawa. I wanted to talk with you for much, much longer. And after you were gone... I always found myself thinking about you, wondering what you would say or do if you saw me in that classroom. [ he feels his face growing redder and redder, and he's thankful that he's hiding it, but at the same time, the more he talks, the more the words start to tumble out. Now he feels like he can't stop himself. All the things he thought he'd never say to her, all the feelings he built up over two years, come crashing through the floodgates, and there's almost a sense of desperation in his voice. ] I -- wanted to be with you. Please forgive this selfish idiot octopus who didn't realize it until it was too late. I wanted to see you. I love you. I adore you!

[ it's all wrong - he didn't want to burden her with his feelings when he already cost her her life - but he can't stop himself, not when she's asking him so earnestly, not when he's almost certain she feels the same way, and especially not when she has a chance to reply, when she's actually here with him, by some miracle. he's simultaneously drained and elated, and, frankly, a little scared, and terribly embarrassed, and he's hiding in their embrace as if that will somehow disguise the feelings he just laid bare from her. ]

Edited 2016-06-04 23:53 (UTC)

[ Well. If he's red, Aguri's like the flaming-hot version of that, mouth opening slightly and then closing. Open, close. It's suddenly hard to breathe, which is absurd, because at the very basic level, she's past the point of needing to breathe. But she wasn't prepared for this, for him to pour everything out in a desperate rush, admitting things that she had only ever thought to herself or whispered to him through the barrier that had separated him.

She'd wanted to touch him. She'd wanted to hold his hand. She'd wanted more time with him, and the courage to turn to Yanagisawa and smile and say she could no longer walk beside him. She'd wanted more than their conversations always cut short, when they could stop talking only when they wished to. She'd wanted to know him, not just who he had been or what her fiancee had turned him into, but what he could be. What he was right now.

His words now shake her heart.

Aguri draws back, barely enough, but just enough to slip her hands between them and cradle his face. She may never be able to stop touching him, she acknowledges with a shaky smile at her own weakness and daring, stroking a trembling thumb along a cheekbone. ]

I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave you. You're still so clumsy and awkward, with so many flaws...

... But I love that about you.

[ Was that too much? He feels like that was probably too much. He didn't mean to - it just sort of happened, and... well, she started it! (Not very comforting.) Of course, it was all true; his feelings don't waver a bit, and he doesn't regret saying them. But it's surely not something that shinigami-san would have done. He's changed a lot. For the better, without a doubt - but, briefly, he wonders if he's become too brazen. Too honest - too much himself, really. He masked it all with a winning smile and a cynical nonchalance about life back then, when she knew him.

The worry is fleeting, though. Aguri had always seen him for exactly who he was. That was one of the most important things she'd given him - that way of looking at others. She'd passed it on to him, and he'd successfully used it to carry her students through that last year. The thought of them gives him some strength when she draws back. If they saw him being so chicken about this, of all things, after having every weapon imaginable pointed at him... The probably wouldn't be surprised, actually, but that's not the point. He lets his grip on her loosen, hesitantly peeking through his dark bangs at her expression. She's awfully close. He swallows.

Truthfully, he probably already knew that she felt this way - she wore her feelings on her sleeve, and he'd had plenty of practice reading the emotions of people. The difference was that those people had been his victims; Aguri was not, and so, he hadn't paid much attention at the time - not until it was too late, and after that, it felt blasphemous to assume her affections were more than friendly. Even though their students seemed to know better. Even though he knew better, too. It doesn't mean his heart doesn't swell at the confirmation, or that he doesn't feel the tingling sensation of nervous joy sweep through his body like sparks in his veins. He smiles, sheepish but adoring. He doesn't deserve this. He's dead now. He killed so many people. But he wants it so much that it hurts. If this is a test, he's going to fail. ]

Aguri... Is that backhanded confession really the best you can do? [ he pokes fun in a soft voice, but the words are flimsy and full of affection, resting on nothing; he's falling back on his safety net of smiling and teasing, because he can feel his heart beating a mile a minute and he's sure he'll start blurting out something stupid again in a half-second if he's not careful. He doesn't want to ruin it. She says she's not leaving, but this has to be too good to be true, right? Her hands feel cool against his burning cheeks; he leans into them, gently bumping his forehead against hers. This moment - the early morning in his favorite room on Earth, the peaceful knowledge that his students have succeeded, her blushing face as she returns his feelings - he won't forget it. ] ... Thank you. I don't deserve someone like you, but I... Thank you.

Edited 2016-06-22 05:35 (UTC)

[ There's a time and a place to be brazen, too honest-- but not for him, not for someone who's carefully tucked away the non-lethal aspects of his personality in favor of being a shinigami. Aguri had seen those aspects emerge slowly, had coaxed them out almost without realizing it, and she wouldn't have dreamed of ever telling him to rein them back in. Not when he hadn't allowed himself that sort of freedom for most of his life. One year compared to that-- it wasn't much.

He's still so fragile.

It's an amusing thought, when she knows the man whose face is burning her palms has killed more people than she could dream of counting. But here, being candid and open and honest with feelings, she has the most experience-- the advantage. Which doesn't really make Aguri feel any less overwhelmed or any braver. She's just as flustered as he is, breath catching just slightly in her throat when their foreheads touch but her thumbs continue to learn the solid lines of his cheekbones. ]

Thank you. [ She'll just protest his remark mildly. ] For seeing me.

[ Not too late. Not this time. ]

[ he sort of expected her to reply with something like that; he knows she'll never stand for him talking about himself like this, even though she knows exactly the kind of person he is. She knows, and she's still willing to stand so close to him, to hold him; she wants to. Just like his students, who did everything in their power to try and save his life despite knowing that he'd dashed a thousand others against the rocks. He's so flawed. But she loves that about him. His chest aches like a second knife is being driven through it; he doesn't fight it ths time, either.

Her words are still sinking in. She loves him. Finally, they can touch. They're both dead - he's dead - but he's not mourning, he's peaceful. It's all strange, and a little sad, but it's wonderful, too. He hears her, but he can only respond with a short laugh under his breath, gently closing his eyes to let himself feel her touch. And... because his gaze keeps wandering towards her lips, and he doesn't trust himself. ]

Of course. [ he could make another quip, but he can't bring himself to this time. ] ... If you make me much happier than this, sensei, I won't know what to do. I'm afraid that I'm going to suddenly wake up from this dream. I wouldn't have guessed that a dead man could be afraid of something like that.

That does seem a little silly for a Shinigami to be worried about. Or anyone, really. [ But she can understand that concern. Finding happiness after death? A sort of consciousness and a mutual understanding? Things that she hadn't even dreamed of while she'd been alive, and now here they are, finally facing each other in a way they hadn't been able to do while the both of them had drawn breath on opposite sides of the glass.

Aguri's peaceful now, though. Like this... everything will be fine, and their students will continue to move forward confidently. ]

... Should I pinch you, so you know that there isn't a chance of this being a dream?

[ WOULD THAT HELP? She's only about 23% serious, though. ]

[ it's strange being called Shinigami again. If it was anyone else but her, he'd ask them to stop, but coming from her, it's different - it's just his name. The name she chooses to call him. A pet name, almost. Hearing it from her is nostalgic. He cracks an eye open, smiling wryly. ]

Actually, that might help. Please do.

[ she may only be 23% serious, but he's devolved into his real goofball self over the course of this one year, and so, he's turning his cheek towards her a bit for her to pinch it... sorry, Aguri.

and, honestly, part of him feels like he needs to be pinched right now, as much of a joke as it is. ]

All right then--! Prepare yourself!

[ Aguri, don't clench your hand into a fist--

But that's okay, because she'll just lean in for the strike and-- land one right there. By which we mean a kiss on his cheek instead, because Aguri does what she wants. ]

Edited 2016-07-18 23:41 (UTC)

[ he probably should have expected this, but he totally didn't. He totally freezes up. Because, even with his feelings completely laid out before her, his life behind him, and an unknowable void ahead of the two of them, he's as smitten and uncertain as a kid with a crush. Hugging her or even just holding her hand had been a dream he'd never achieve - anything beyond that was downright fantasy, and he hadn't ever really entertained it.

Yet here he is. He turns beet red, and is silent for a few solid seconds, staring at the ground. Then, a swallow. ]

... Um. I didn't quite feel that, so maybe you should try it one more time, [ he says, lying outrageously. ]

W-what? But you're turning so red!

[ What does he mean, he didn't quite feel that? That took a lot of daring, and now she has to take a deep breath and muster her gumption all over again, and--

... It'll take her a few minutes. ]

[ this is what he gets for trying to be cool about this. More embarrassment!! Maybe Aguri's not experienced with this kind of thing. Not that he's one to talk. Part of being the world's best assassin meant beating out assassins like Irina, too, so it's not like he hasn't charmed or been with a woman before, but -- but it's different when it's her. This time, he's actually trying. Maybe he's not experienced, either. He flinches slightly when he comments on his blushing. ]

O-obviously...! That's not what I meant, Sensei... [ he mumbles. He's dead, but he's pretty sure he can feel his heart fluttering with nervous excitement, spreading through every vein, somehow. Then again, he could just feel Aguri kiss him a second ago, too. That spot on his cheek is still burning. The feeling possesses him; he lets go of her only to cup her face with both hands after a moment of awkward hesitation and lean in. But, once again, his bravery wavers, and his lips brush the space beside hers instead, humble and sweet. ]

[ This is what happens when you have two adult individuals who absolutely fail at being suave, and can't just kiss each other with the fierce intensity of sucking out one's soul that Nagisa's demonstrated flawlessly (her poor, poor little sister).

In Aguri's defense, though, she'd had a fiancee she'd never really felt like kissing, and he'd been even more reluctant to show any form of affection other than false smiles in the public eye.

But this is too much. Her face is burning red, he's still blushing, and neither one of them has managed to actually kiss each other properly-- so he may still have her face hostage, but Aguri's going to reach for his tie and hold him there to kiss him. Mouth-to-mouth.

There. ]

[ even if he'd ended up getting cold feet and going for her cheek, too, he'd been hoping he'd be able to at least embarrass her in return a little bit. Then he'd be a little bit more in his element. Really, his emotions just got the better of him faster than he could reel them in, but at least that would make a good excuse in case she didn't want to -- well, she'd started it, but maybe she'd be uncomfortable if it came from him -- maybe this wasn't the time, or she was nervous, or maybe -- so many maybes, he's so nervous around her. Then he feels a tug about his neck and suddenly she's kissing him herself.

This woman definitely could have killed him.

His eyes snap open in surprise for a moment, but only a moment, and then he's kissing her back and closing them once more as if slipping into a dream. Because this really has to be one; this is just too self-indulgent. But her lips feel so real that he doesn't even care anymore. His hesitation gives way to gentleness as he returns her affection, softly, slowly, carving the sensation of her kiss in his memories - whether this is real or not, whether he's dead or alive, it doesn't matter. She meant more than the world to him. Her clear gaze, her true heart, her passion for teaching, her stupid, stupid t-shirts - he loves her so much that he can feel it aching in his fingertips. If he can be here with her - if she's happy with him - if he could transmit that feeling to her - that's all he could ever wish for.

After a long moment or two, he breaks away just enough to take a breath. But, before he knows it, he finds himself smiling, a giddy feeling bubbling up in him as if to spite his earlier somberness. His hands slip from her face to her back and waist, and, in that cheesy manner that seems so natural to him, he dips her like a movie star, leaning into kiss her one more time with a playful chuckle in his throat. ]

[ Perhaps it had been for the best that Aguri had died before they'd acted on any of the impulse they've both apparently been feeling for some time now, because she really wouldn't have wanted to kill him prematurely. Or at all, but thankfully... it's not something she's thinking about right now. Not when he's kissing her back, and it's nothing perfunctory or unfeeling, it's soft and careful and warm and everything she's never let herself want.

Until now.

When he breaks away with that smile, and her chest grows warm, Aguri opens her mouth-- and nothing emerges except for a startled laugh when the view tilts and she finds herself suspended in his arms. So he's found his confidence again, and Aguri couldn't be happier for it. For this, honestly, for a moment between the two of them where there's absolutely nothing separating them this time. ]

You're... not bad... [ she finally manages, like she wasn't just left pleasantly dazed and thoroughly kissed. ]

I'd be happy to teach you my technique, [ he replies cheekily, though he seems a bit dazed, himself. He can't believe he just did that. It feels a little blasphemous, almost - she'd been some far-off memory to him for most of the past year (thought never too far, of course.) An unfulfilled dream; an idol to live up to. Standing before her again, though, and this time with no wall, he quickly remembered that she was also just a person. A woman. His friend - his very first and best friend. If she was all right with him, if she wanted him, too, then -- why not? There's no regret in his disbelief this time - just a pleasant, fluttering feeling of "finally."

If he can call it that. They are dead. He lets himself slip away from her a little, finally returning some of her personal space, although he can't help but keep his hands linked in hers. He is dead, and that's why they're standing here together in this classroom now. What inappropriate behavior for two teachers, he thinks dryly, but the thought floats away as soon as it comes. It's easy for him to get swept away by his feelings for her (as Karma found out last month), but reality is sinking back in again. The sadness is still there. More prominent, however, is the uncertainty. The contrast between the joy of having his feelings returned at last and the ominous void of death looming in front of him is enough to make his head swim. His expression sobers up just slightly, and he looks her in the eyes, quite serious. ]

... Can we stay like this, Aguri? [ are they going to disappear? the question is earnest, which is rather unusual, coming from the man who seems to know everything. ]

[ Inappropriate behavior, he believes, when he'd had people like Irina teaching his students how to french-kiss victims (like her little sister) into submission.

Not that Aguri's even thinking about that, because she'd had a feeling this particular topic would be shoving on his shoulders sooner or later. For all of his smoothness and confidence in many, many subjects, he tends to worry more than he lets on. And here, at least, she can once again be his teacher-- a rare thing, definitely, but it's happened. ]

What happens next is entirely your choice. [ She'll just put that up there first, her own expression taking on the same level of seriousness. ] When we die, we're given the option to move on... or to stay, to watch over those we left behind, even if we can't interact with them or influence them.

... I'd already decided that I wanted to witness what happened, to watch over you and those children. If you want to remain... I'll be here.

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closed - part deux

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