KOROSENSEI | 殺せんせー (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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tunasub2016-04-29 11:34 pm
tentaculled) wrote in tunasub2016-04-29 11:34 pm
Entry tags:
closed - part deux
[ It's less painful than he was expecting - that's his first thought. Hundreds - no, thousands of times, he's watched the life leave people's bodies, watched the light leave their eyes, and so he thought he had a good idea of what to expect. There was no fear or resignation as he laid there, surrounded by his students, the weight of Nagisa's body pushing down on his chest. Just the feeling of being tired, and an unusual sense of peace. They'd all come so far; they'd more than exceeded his expectations. He was proud. Terribly proud.
It happens so quickly that he hardly feels the knife piercing through. Yes, it's certainly less painful than he was expecting - physically. But there's a bittersweet ache in his heart that's not coming from any blade. The students are crying. This is goodbye.
And so it was.
Nothingness. Then, the feeling of drifting ashore, or perhaps being pulled, or being dizzy - it's difficult to describe, in no small part because he does not expect there to be anything to describe. There's grass pushing at his back again, orange light filtering through his eyelids. He feels small and light and numb. Ah, surely, this is a hallucination in his last moments, or perhaps he'll wake up and see fires burning and punishment waiting for him, as he no doubt deserves. But when he forces his eyes open with difficulty, all that's waiting for him is a familiar dusky sky, and a familiar mountainous horizon, and a familiar early-morning dewy haze. It's Kunigagaoka. There's no way he'd forget this sight.
There's been some kind of mistake. At first, he wonders if he somehow failed to die. When he climbs to his feet and notices that they are, in fact, feet, and finds himself swimming in a now-baggy graduation robe, he wonders if he really is hallucinating. The students are nowhere to be seen, but it appears a few hours have passed since they finally graduated from hiss classroom. None of it makes any sense. But the tranquility he felt earlier as he lay in his final moments hasn't left him yet. Inside, he thinks, he knows that it's over. It's not worth panicking about. He turns towards the dilapidated old school building. His fingers (fingers! so strange and new, suddenly) squeeze the fabric of that floppy old tie, finding the new tear in the fabric. Without putting much thought into it, he starts moving towards the classroom building, drawn towards it like a magnet. It's natural. It's the place where he belongs. The home he was given.
If he could, he'd like to see them just one more time. He doesn't dare hope for more than that. ]
It happens so quickly that he hardly feels the knife piercing through. Yes, it's certainly less painful than he was expecting - physically. But there's a bittersweet ache in his heart that's not coming from any blade. The students are crying. This is goodbye.
And so it was.
Nothingness. Then, the feeling of drifting ashore, or perhaps being pulled, or being dizzy - it's difficult to describe, in no small part because he does not expect there to be anything to describe. There's grass pushing at his back again, orange light filtering through his eyelids. He feels small and light and numb. Ah, surely, this is a hallucination in his last moments, or perhaps he'll wake up and see fires burning and punishment waiting for him, as he no doubt deserves. But when he forces his eyes open with difficulty, all that's waiting for him is a familiar dusky sky, and a familiar mountainous horizon, and a familiar early-morning dewy haze. It's Kunigagaoka. There's no way he'd forget this sight.
There's been some kind of mistake. At first, he wonders if he somehow failed to die. When he climbs to his feet and notices that they are, in fact, feet, and finds himself swimming in a now-baggy graduation robe, he wonders if he really is hallucinating. The students are nowhere to be seen, but it appears a few hours have passed since they finally graduated from hiss classroom. None of it makes any sense. But the tranquility he felt earlier as he lay in his final moments hasn't left him yet. Inside, he thinks, he knows that it's over. It's not worth panicking about. He turns towards the dilapidated old school building. His fingers (fingers! so strange and new, suddenly) squeeze the fabric of that floppy old tie, finding the new tear in the fabric. Without putting much thought into it, he starts moving towards the classroom building, drawn towards it like a magnet. It's natural. It's the place where he belongs. The home he was given.
If he could, he'd like to see them just one more time. He doesn't dare hope for more than that. ]
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She'd wanted to touch him. She'd wanted to hold his hand. She'd wanted more time with him, and the courage to turn to Yanagisawa and smile and say she could no longer walk beside him. She'd wanted more than their conversations always cut short, when they could stop talking only when they wished to. She'd wanted to know him, not just who he had been or what her fiancee had turned him into, but what he could be. What he was right now.
His words now shake her heart.
Aguri draws back, barely enough, but just enough to slip her hands between them and cradle his face. She may never be able to stop touching him, she acknowledges with a shaky smile at her own weakness and daring, stroking a trembling thumb along a cheekbone. ]
I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave you. You're still so clumsy and awkward, with so many flaws...
... But I love that about you.
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The worry is fleeting, though. Aguri had always seen him for exactly who he was. That was one of the most important things she'd given him - that way of looking at others. She'd passed it on to him, and he'd successfully used it to carry her students through that last year. The thought of them gives him some strength when she draws back. If they saw him being so chicken about this, of all things, after having every weapon imaginable pointed at him... The probably wouldn't be surprised, actually, but that's not the point. He lets his grip on her loosen, hesitantly peeking through his dark bangs at her expression. She's awfully close. He swallows.
Truthfully, he probably already knew that she felt this way - she wore her feelings on her sleeve, and he'd had plenty of practice reading the emotions of people. The difference was that those people had been his victims; Aguri was not, and so, he hadn't paid much attention at the time - not until it was too late, and after that, it felt blasphemous to assume her affections were more than friendly. Even though their students seemed to know better. Even though he knew better, too. It doesn't mean his heart doesn't swell at the confirmation, or that he doesn't feel the tingling sensation of nervous joy sweep through his body like sparks in his veins. He smiles, sheepish but adoring. He doesn't deserve this. He's dead now. He killed so many people. But he wants it so much that it hurts. If this is a test, he's going to fail. ]
Aguri... Is that backhanded confession really the best you can do? [ he pokes fun in a soft voice, but the words are flimsy and full of affection, resting on nothing; he's falling back on his safety net of smiling and teasing, because he can feel his heart beating a mile a minute and he's sure he'll start blurting out something stupid again in a half-second if he's not careful. He doesn't want to ruin it. She says she's not leaving, but this has to be too good to be true, right? Her hands feel cool against his burning cheeks; he leans into them, gently bumping his forehead against hers. This moment - the early morning in his favorite room on Earth, the peaceful knowledge that his students have succeeded, her blushing face as she returns his feelings - he won't forget it. ] ... Thank you. I don't deserve someone like you, but I... Thank you.
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He's still so fragile.
It's an amusing thought, when she knows the man whose face is burning her palms has killed more people than she could dream of counting. But here, being candid and open and honest with feelings, she has the most experience-- the advantage. Which doesn't really make Aguri feel any less overwhelmed or any braver. She's just as flustered as he is, breath catching just slightly in her throat when their foreheads touch but her thumbs continue to learn the solid lines of his cheekbones. ]
Thank you. [ She'll just protest his remark mildly. ] For seeing me.
[ Not too late. Not this time. ]
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Her words are still sinking in. She loves him. Finally, they can touch. They're both dead - he's dead - but he's not mourning, he's peaceful. It's all strange, and a little sad, but it's wonderful, too. He hears her, but he can only respond with a short laugh under his breath, gently closing his eyes to let himself feel her touch. And... because his gaze keeps wandering towards her lips, and he doesn't trust himself. ]
Of course. [ he could make another quip, but he can't bring himself to this time. ] ... If you make me much happier than this, sensei, I won't know what to do. I'm afraid that I'm going to suddenly wake up from this dream. I wouldn't have guessed that a dead man could be afraid of something like that.
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Aguri's peaceful now, though. Like this... everything will be fine, and their students will continue to move forward confidently. ]
... Should I pinch you, so you know that there isn't a chance of this being a dream?
[ WOULD THAT HELP? She's only about 23% serious, though. ]
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Actually, that might help. Please do.
[ she may only be 23% serious, but he's devolved into his real goofball self over the course of this one year, and so, he's turning his cheek towards her a bit for her to pinch it... sorry, Aguri.
and, honestly, part of him feels like he needs to be pinched right now, as much of a joke as it is. ]
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[ Aguri, don't clench your hand into a fist--
But that's okay, because she'll just lean in for the strike and-- land one right there. By which we mean a kiss on his cheek instead, because Aguri does what she wants. ]
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Yet here he is. He turns beet red, and is silent for a few solid seconds, staring at the ground. Then, a swallow. ]
... Um. I didn't quite feel that, so maybe you should try it one more time, [ he says, lying outrageously. ]
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[ What does he mean, he didn't quite feel that? That took a lot of daring, and now she has to take a deep breath and muster her gumption all over again, and--
... It'll take her a few minutes. ]
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O-obviously...! That's not what I meant, Sensei... [ he mumbles. He's dead, but he's pretty sure he can feel his heart fluttering with nervous excitement, spreading through every vein, somehow. Then again, he could just feel Aguri kiss him a second ago, too. That spot on his cheek is still burning. The feeling possesses him; he lets go of her only to cup her face with both hands after a moment of awkward hesitation and lean in. But, once again, his bravery wavers, and his lips brush the space beside hers instead, humble and sweet. ]
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In Aguri's defense, though, she'd had a fiancee she'd never really felt like kissing, and he'd been even more reluctant to show any form of affection other than false smiles in the public eye.
But this is too much. Her face is burning red, he's still blushing, and neither one of them has managed to actually kiss each other properly-- so he may still have her face hostage, but Aguri's going to reach for his tie and hold him there to kiss him. Mouth-to-mouth.
There. ]
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This woman definitely could have killed him.
His eyes snap open in surprise for a moment, but only a moment, and then he's kissing her back and closing them once more as if slipping into a dream. Because this really has to be one; this is just too self-indulgent. But her lips feel so real that he doesn't even care anymore. His hesitation gives way to gentleness as he returns her affection, softly, slowly, carving the sensation of her kiss in his memories - whether this is real or not, whether he's dead or alive, it doesn't matter. She meant more than the world to him. Her clear gaze, her true heart, her passion for teaching, her stupid, stupid t-shirts - he loves her so much that he can feel it aching in his fingertips. If he can be here with her - if she's happy with him - if he could transmit that feeling to her - that's all he could ever wish for.
After a long moment or two, he breaks away just enough to take a breath. But, before he knows it, he finds himself smiling, a giddy feeling bubbling up in him as if to spite his earlier somberness. His hands slip from her face to her back and waist, and, in that cheesy manner that seems so natural to him, he dips her like a movie star, leaning into kiss her one more time with a playful chuckle in his throat. ]
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Until now.
When he breaks away with that smile, and her chest grows warm, Aguri opens her mouth-- and nothing emerges except for a startled laugh when the view tilts and she finds herself suspended in his arms. So he's found his confidence again, and Aguri couldn't be happier for it. For this, honestly, for a moment between the two of them where there's absolutely nothing separating them this time. ]
You're... not bad... [ she finally manages, like she wasn't just left pleasantly dazed and thoroughly kissed. ]
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If he can call it that. They are dead. He lets himself slip away from her a little, finally returning some of her personal space, although he can't help but keep his hands linked in hers. He is dead, and that's why they're standing here together in this classroom now. What inappropriate behavior for two teachers, he thinks dryly, but the thought floats away as soon as it comes. It's easy for him to get swept away by his feelings for her (as Karma found out last month), but reality is sinking back in again. The sadness is still there. More prominent, however, is the uncertainty. The contrast between the joy of having his feelings returned at last and the ominous void of death looming in front of him is enough to make his head swim. His expression sobers up just slightly, and he looks her in the eyes, quite serious. ]
... Can we stay like this, Aguri? [ are they going to disappear? the question is earnest, which is rather unusual, coming from the man who seems to know everything. ]
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Not that Aguri's even thinking about that, because she'd had a feeling this particular topic would be shoving on his shoulders sooner or later. For all of his smoothness and confidence in many, many subjects, he tends to worry more than he lets on. And here, at least, she can once again be his teacher-- a rare thing, definitely, but it's happened. ]
What happens next is entirely your choice. [ She'll just put that up there first, her own expression taking on the same level of seriousness. ] When we die, we're given the option to move on... or to stay, to watch over those we left behind, even if we can't interact with them or influence them.
... I'd already decided that I wanted to witness what happened, to watch over you and those children. If you want to remain... I'll be here.